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... to achieve lasting change
In-Person Sessions in Stirling or Dunipace, for Central Scotland
Online Sessions UK Wide
**During Tier 4 Restrictions: All sessions help on Zoom only**
My Blog
Blog
Gaslighting: the abusive manipulation of others into questioning their own sanity
Posted on 27 October, 2017 at 7:38 |
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Gaslighting by Beth Warwick, BA Hons You may have heard the term ‘gaslighting’ before, but what
does it mean? How would you know if you are a victim of gaslighting? To
gaslight is to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their
own sanity; to subtly attempt to drive someone crazy. The term came about from
the film ‘Gaslight’ in 1944 which followed the relationship between Paula and
Gregory, as Gregory attempted to drive his wife crazy through manipulation
ensuring she lost everything she held dear. The film focused on the use of
persistent lying, Gregory being ‘worried’ for Paula’s sanity and making her
friends see that there was something wrong with her. None of this was in fact
true. This control tactic is one used by dictators, abusers and narcissists. But,
what would gaslighting look or feel like? The purpose
of gaslighting is to gain power over someone else. A victim of Gaslighting may
feel like there is no stability or common ground in the relationship, with the
gaslighter doing anything they want without consequences. However, if the
victim does the same thing or even something more minor, perhaps even a genuine
mistake, the gaslighter accuses them of all sorts. They might be called names or
accused of cheating when in reality the gaslighter is the one doing the damage
and behaving in this way, deliberately and systematically with the intention of
controlling the victim and undermining the victim’s sanity and sense of reality.
Common signs of gaslighting include persistent lying,
denying things they have done or said, their actions not matching the things
they say and accusing their victim of saying or doing things that they haven’t
done. These are all techniques used to ensure their victims begin to question their
own reality or cast doubt on their version of events. You may ask yourself ‘Did
they actually say that…maybe I got it wrong.’ when in fact the gaslighter is
blatantly lying. When someone is gaslighting they are generally very aware of
the things that they say and do to cause doubt and confusion. They play on
making their target feel as though they are ‘going insane’ perhaps through a
feeling of constant paranoia while they continue to behave in the same way as
always. They know that the feeling of confusion they instil weakens their
victim psychologically and influences their reactions to future events. Having
been worn down, and beginning to question their own judgement, in future they
may begin to accept the gaslighter’s version of events and feel as though they
themselves ‘got it wrong’. They may imply ‘you are imagining things’ which
would again make their victim question their own sense of reality and fill them
with self-doubt. A gaslighter might
accuse their victim of ‘changing the goal posts’, implying that their victim is
constantly changing the boundaries of what has been acceptable and what hasn’t
in the relationship in the past. This could be who it is acceptable to go out
with, or perhaps the target has a good friend the gaslighter seemed ok with and
now they have said they aren’t happy with the dynamic of the relationship. These
subtle shifts and accusations are used in an attempt to control and obtain
power over the victim. Putting their victim on the defensive will distract their
focus away from the gaslighting behaviours, as there most likely won’t be
anything different about the situation the victim has been in at all. However,
if confronted about their hurtful or confusing behaviours, the gaslighter will often
make the victim feel guilty for saying anything.
Gaslighting is a specific type of abuse used with the
intention of controlling another person by causing them to doubt their own
reality, and so becoming increasingly dependent on the abuser. The gaslighter
will manipulate their victim to the point of no return. Then they will be able
to act as they do and ensure their victim will be disarmed to say or do anything
against it, this is exactly what they want. It is a very dangerous form of
abuse and should be viewed as such. A healthy, loving relationship by
definition doesn’t include deceit, manipulation or lies. The effect of gaslighting is often very negative and
insidious, and can be carried through life for a long time. Victims can
mistrust others in the future and fear being treated in the same way. It is a
horrible form of abuse that is done gradually so the victims don’t notice the
extent of it. A good way to put it is thinking about a frog in cold water, as
the water is heated up it doesn’t jump out as it doesn’t realise the water is
getting hotter. Seeking help, such as with Hypnotherapy can help victims of
gaslighting to overcome its negative effects, for example managing and reducing
associated anxiety, regaining confidence and rebuilding trust in self and
others. Support can help victims to move on with their life after being targeted
by a gaslighter and can provide space to reconnect with feelings where they
have been invalidated in the past. Everyone should be able to live a life free of such
relationships and negative treatment. Gaslighting can occur in any situation – at work, in your
personal life, or at home. Recognising the existence of these behaviours in
abusers can help you identify when you or someone you know might be a victim of
gaslighting, and take positive steps to overcome this insidious type of abusive,
controlling behaviour. References ·
Abramson, K. (2014) ‘Turning up the lights on
gaslighting’, Philosophical Perspectives,
Vol. 28, p.p 1-30. ·
Gass, G and Nichols, W. (1988) ‘Gaslighting: A
Marital Syndrome’, Contemporary Family
Therapy, Vol. 10, p.p 3-16. ·
Preston, N. (2017) 7 Stages of Gaslighting
in a Relationship’ [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201704/7-stages-gaslighting-in-relationship
[Accessed 29 September 2017].
Sarkis, S (2017) ‘11 Signs of Gaslighting in a
Relationship’ [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship
[Accessed 29 September 2017]. |
Shame and Emotional Wellbeing
Posted on 21 September, 2017 at 8:23 |
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Toxic Relationships
Posted on 21 September, 2017 at 8:16 |
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Toxic relationships are characterised by certain
behaviours displayed by the other person that may not be typical of a ‘normal’
person. Their behaviour may make you feel like you are worthless, you are
nobody and you can’t do anything right. A person displaying these behaviours is
usually referred to as a ‘narcissist’ meaning a person with an elevated sense
of self-worth. But how can you tell how this behaviour differs from that of a
healthy relationship? A healthy relationship is built on mutual trust, love and
care with that person supporting you and your decisions throughout life. While
you may have disagreements and arguments, these will be resolved between both
of you through communication and letting each other give your opinion on why
something has upset or hurt you. It is normal to have disagreements within any
relationship however when this happens within a toxic relationship the approach
by the other person can be very different. Do you ever feel as though your thoughts are not being
heard, as though the person does not understand why you are hurt? This is just
one way that a narcissistic person may act when confronted with something that
reflects their behaviour. Do you feel like you can be yourself around that
person or do you feel you need to change in some way for their approval? This
could be not seeing certain friends or not doing something that has upset them,
whether this is justified or not. This is another way that a narcissist may act
to control you and your behaviour. They may also make you feel like everything
is about them, as though your opinion doesn’t even count or is totally invalid.
You may also feel you cannot enjoy happy moments with this person, for example
if you have had a job promotion. This person may react negatively to this and
make you wonder why you even thought you should put yourself forward, in their
eyes you aren’t good enough anyway. This is all done in an attempt to control
your behaviour, not giving you any support with your ambitions or goals. This
is not normal in a loving relationship. One of the most important things is to know is that it's not your fault, you
cannot control another person’s behaviour and some people play on the element
of control and power in a relationship, whatever form that may take. Toxic techniques used by the
other party may lead you to
feel like something that happened is your fault. This may include
consistent lying or questioning
the things that you are saying,
especially if this is aimed at their behaviour. You may even find conversations redirected to things you
may have done in the past, all to take away the blame from themselves. These
are all common techniques used to control the situation and you as a person
while ensuring that no blame or wrongdoing is put on them. Bringing up past
events and using them against you is unfair and this can also be the case for
things you have done before you even met that person. Using past events to hurt
you and control you is not acceptable and this should not happen in a healthy,
loving relationship. Possibly one of the most hurtful things about these people
is that they are usually seen as a 'good person’ and they may even have many close friends and relationships
in which they do not behave in
the way they do with you. This is a technique used to
ensure that they are seen as a normal person. You might find yourself asking questions like, "how could
anybody see them as anything else? Right? Maybe it's just me that causes this, maybe I'm the bad one?" This
is exactly their intention in order to portray themselves as a ‘model citizen’, somebody who people
would look up to and believe to be lovely; in actual fact they are a narcissist. The person will most likely not behave the way they do with
you to these other people as this would blow their cover. One thing about
narcissistic people is that they do not want to be discovered for what they are
and may try anything to avoid this happening. This could also include making up
things about you and calling you ‘crazy’ or saying ‘my friends think you are
crazy’ in an attempt to make everything about them and them being the
victim…again. Even though it is you that is experiencing the pain and hurt. The impact of a toxic relationship can be not just mental, it can be emotional and
physical too. This can tarnish future relationships with people in general, not
just partners. But again, it is important to know that it is not your fault and
that there are many loving, caring people in the world who would not treat you
in such a negative way. If you
feel ashamed or wrought with regret it is important to explore these feelings
constructively so that you don't carry this negativity into future
relationships. After all, you are worthy of loving and caring relationships, regardless of what you may
have been told or how you may feel. Hypnotherapy can help with overcoming feelings of shame,
upset and regret which you may feel either within the relationship or after you
have left. It can be difficult to talk about events that have happened around
toxic relationships however in hypnotherapy many techniques do not require you
to talk about an event which may be of some comfort. Instead they help you to explore
your thoughts around the event, perhaps looking at anxiety you feel around the
environment or situation, in an effort to overcome this. One example of this is
‘Thought Field Therapy’ which involves tapping certain points on the body
associated with negative emotions, it is similar to acupuncture but does not
use needles. This therapy then allows you to think of an environment or
situation without feeling such intense negative emotions around it. This means
that you can start to move on with your life without holding onto the negative
effects of that relationship. Just remember, nobody should be allowed to have such a
negative impact on a person and you can let go of the pain and hurt. References ·
Sherrie Carter. 2011. The Hidden Health
Hazards of Toxic Relationships. [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201108/the-hidden-health-hazards-toxic-relationships.
[Accessed 14 September 2017]. ·
Rosemary Sword and Philip Zimbardo.
2013. Toxic Relationships. [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201308/toxic-relationships.
[Accessed 14 September 2017]. |
Forgiveness
Posted on 11 August, 2017 at 7:29 |
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Renew You, Love Your Life
Posted on 2 August, 2016 at 7:57 |
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NEW* Renew YOU, Love Your
Life! 90 Day Coaching Program
Are you living a life that
you love? Do you want to wake up in the morning looking forward to the day
ahead? Would you like to take action to revitalize your life? I
know how challenging it can be to make shifts in our lives. With me by your
side, we'll carry out a step-by-step 'spring cleaning' of your life so you can
live the joyful, passionate life you deserve to be living. "Renew YOU, Love Your
Life!" is a balanced, well-crafted program that guides you through a 3 step
process over a course of 90 days. In 3 months, you'll get to the heart of what's
holding you back so you can reset your habits and refresh your life. Leave the
blahs behind and connect with your joyful, energized self. Program overview:Month 1: Take Stock; Discover what makes your heart sing! In the first month, we'll take stock of where you're at, discover what makes your heart sing and take the first steps to brighten up your life! Through powerful coaching exercises we'll identify ways to invest in what feeds your soul, and connect what you discover about yourself with your goals! Month 2: Declutter:
Give your life a spring clean! In the second month, we do a detox to get rid of the obstacles and energy sucks that are getting in the way of your well-being. By cutting away the dead wood, you’ll make space for new growth. Commit to letting go of what is holding you back so you can embrace your life with the vitality you need to take on your wildest dreams! Month 3: Design;
Embrace your awesome, purpose-driven life with fresh energy and a positive
outlook! In the last month, we'll set healthy new habits to support you and create a spark team of positive people who support, encourage and inspire you to achieve what you want in your life. You'll set well-crafted achievable goals for the next quarter - based on the vision you have for your life. With daily practices and long-term visioning you'll gain the momentum you need to spring into success. I've seen enormous growth
in people who have committed to the steps in this program. Don't waste any more
time putting off your heart's desires. If you want clarity and guidance as you
step into your wholeness, let's work together. If you're ready to transform the
blahs into "A-has!" - let's talk!
Sign up for "Renew
YOU, Love Your Life" here www.meridian-wellbeing.co.uk "...break free of the 'daily-grind' and
enjoy this 'adventure called life' as much as you possibly can!" |
The Most Effective Way to Change on the Inside to Make the Outside Better
Posted on 1 June, 2016 at 5:37 |
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It isn’t enough to
tell people who are fearful to be courageous. It isn't enough to tell people
who lack confidence that they should be more confident, relax, or just be
themselves. It isn't enough to tell people who are sad, that if they change
their thinking they will feel happy. It isn't enough to tell people who are
pessimistic that they would get on better if they were more optimistic, or more
positive. It isn't enough because actually, they know that already. The
difficulty is in not feeling safe – not feeling safe to let go of their
feelings, their situation and their circumstances enough to feel courageous,
happy, confident or optimistic. All unwanted
feelings, behaviours and habits serve some positive purpose on the subconscious
level, even if they don’t immediately seem logical to the conscious mind. They
usually equate in some way to keeping us safe and comfortable. If we can
develop a healthy respect for those unwanted feelings or behaviours, whether
they are in ourselves or in others, then we have taken the first step in
understanding their root cause. The subconscious
mind wants to protect us, to keep us safe, to shelter us from harm. If the
person who contains that subconscious mind has learned, through real and
consistent experience that they are in tangible and constant danger, such as
from the abuse of another, ill health, financial hardship, deprivation, how can
they just switch that protective response off? More importantly, why would
they? Their subconscious mind will naturally resist. Not only does that feel
unsafe, but it would actually put them more at risk, make them more vulnerable
to danger, and less ready to respond to a threat. In order to feel
courageous, happy, confident and optimistic, and who doesn’t want to feel this
way, this new way of thinking needs to
be safer than the old way. Feeling courageous in the face of danger has to BE
safer than feeling fearful. Feeling happy has to BE safer than feeling sad.
That is what creates empowering change. To do this we need to clearly outline
on a subconscious level why feeling courageous, happy, confident and optimistic
is safer. To show the protective subconscious mind that feeling fearful is not
keeping us safe, it is actually damaging to our health and wellbeing, draining
our resources, restricting our opportunities for empowerment, change and choice.
Feeling courageous is safer, because it gives us back the main thing we lose
when we are fearful – control, control of how we feel. Once we have shown the
subconscious mind what it needs to do and why, then we need to provide the
subconscious mind with examples of how to do this. We don’t need to spell out a
solution, the subconscious mind has the skills, experience and resources to
figure this out for itself, but it needs to left with a flavour of the changes
that it needs to make, and what the solution will look like, what the potential
outcome will be. Instead of the old way of focusing on what it wants to avoid,
what it wants to move away from, the subconscious mind needs a new, clear and
positive vision and goal of what it wants to move towards. That is enough to
achieve the desired change. |
Does Hypnotherapy Actually Work?
Posted on 20 April, 2016 at 7:03 |
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Does Hypnotherapy
Actually Work? A question I'm asked
often as a hypnotherapist is whether hypnotherapy actually works. Hypnosis is a natural state, a level of altered awareness like those we can gently go in
and out of ourselves through our day. When concentrating on a
task, and very deeply involved in it, you’ll notice time seems to go by
slightly differently. You might be surprised to discover that what feels like
20 minutes was in fact over an hour. Similarly, if you've ever driven a very
familiar route, you might have arrived at your destination to discover you couldn’t
remember the journey, because you were so deeply involved in thought about
something else. In hypnotherapy we are
able to utilise this natural tool, by applying it in a specific and
concentrated way to address areas in our life we want to change. Our subconscious mind is a bit like a database,
holding our beliefs, habits, expectations and our memories - all of the things
that are stored on a deeper level. Our conscious mind dips in and out of that
subconscious information, and those things can influence our behaviour and
choices in ways that we often don't consciously recognise. In hypnosis we can
reframe erroneous, outdated information which is not serving us positively
anymore. We can look at our behaviours,
habits and thoughts in a different way, and suggest alternative ways of
perceiving and behaving which can allow us to move forward more positively and
effectively. Adapted from an article in LoveLocalMag.com May/June 2016 by Vicky McLeod, Meridian Wellbeing Hypnotherapy by Vicky McLeod, Meridian Wellbeing Hypnotherapy |
Taking back control
Posted on 19 March, 2016 at 13:28 |
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Can I hypnotise myself?
Posted on 20 September, 2014 at 17:37 |
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Dreaming, the deepest level of hypnotic trance
Posted on 19 August, 2014 at 6:18 |
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A client recently reported that they had dreamed that someone was trying to attack them. They were attending hypnotherapy regarding managing stress and conflict at work. I asked them if they could remember anything significant that had happened to them the day before the dream. They immediately recalled they had attended a heated and rather aggressive meeting in which several conflicting colleagues were trying to thrash out a resolution to a problem. My client's role in this meeting was to provide factual information and advice, however they remembered feeling very uncomfortable during the meeting, and recalled being glowered at by one of the more aggressive colleagues, when the factual information presented exposed holes in their argument. Expectation Fulfilment Theory shows that our dreams help us to process arousal which we were not able to process at the time. In a situation like the one above, where the client felt a series of emotions but had to temper and inhibit their reaction, our subconscious mind can help us to work through and find resolution to the situation in our dreams, by processing and resolving the situation for us while we are asleep, deactivating the arousal at a more appropriate time. Dreaming is the deepest trance state we go into and there are three essential principles to understand:
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