Meridian Wellbeing
Hypnotherapy and Talking Therapies
Meridian Wellbeing
Hypnotherapy and Talking Therapies
... to achieve lasting change
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Posted on 27 October, 2017 at 7:38 |
Gaslighting by Beth Warwick, BA Hons You may have heard the term ‘gaslighting’ before, but what
does it mean? How would you know if you are a victim of gaslighting? To
gaslight is to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their
own sanity; to subtly attempt to drive someone crazy. The term came about from
the film ‘Gaslight’ in 1944 which followed the relationship between Paula and
Gregory, as Gregory attempted to drive his wife crazy through manipulation
ensuring she lost everything she held dear. The film focused on the use of
persistent lying, Gregory being ‘worried’ for Paula’s sanity and making her
friends see that there was something wrong with her. None of this was in fact
true. This control tactic is one used by dictators, abusers and narcissists. But,
what would gaslighting look or feel like? The purpose
of gaslighting is to gain power over someone else. A victim of Gaslighting may
feel like there is no stability or common ground in the relationship, with the
gaslighter doing anything they want without consequences. However, if the
victim does the same thing or even something more minor, perhaps even a genuine
mistake, the gaslighter accuses them of all sorts. They might be called names or
accused of cheating when in reality the gaslighter is the one doing the damage
and behaving in this way, deliberately and systematically with the intention of
controlling the victim and undermining the victim’s sanity and sense of reality.
Common signs of gaslighting include persistent lying,
denying things they have done or said, their actions not matching the things
they say and accusing their victim of saying or doing things that they haven’t
done. These are all techniques used to ensure their victims begin to question their
own reality or cast doubt on their version of events. You may ask yourself ‘Did
they actually say that…maybe I got it wrong.’ when in fact the gaslighter is
blatantly lying. When someone is gaslighting they are generally very aware of
the things that they say and do to cause doubt and confusion. They play on
making their target feel as though they are ‘going insane’ perhaps through a
feeling of constant paranoia while they continue to behave in the same way as
always. They know that the feeling of confusion they instil weakens their
victim psychologically and influences their reactions to future events. Having
been worn down, and beginning to question their own judgement, in future they
may begin to accept the gaslighter’s version of events and feel as though they
themselves ‘got it wrong’. They may imply ‘you are imagining things’ which
would again make their victim question their own sense of reality and fill them
with self-doubt. A gaslighter might
accuse their victim of ‘changing the goal posts’, implying that their victim is
constantly changing the boundaries of what has been acceptable and what hasn’t
in the relationship in the past. This could be who it is acceptable to go out
with, or perhaps the target has a good friend the gaslighter seemed ok with and
now they have said they aren’t happy with the dynamic of the relationship. These
subtle shifts and accusations are used in an attempt to control and obtain
power over the victim. Putting their victim on the defensive will distract their
focus away from the gaslighting behaviours, as there most likely won’t be
anything different about the situation the victim has been in at all. However,
if confronted about their hurtful or confusing behaviours, the gaslighter will often
make the victim feel guilty for saying anything.
Gaslighting is a specific type of abuse used with the
intention of controlling another person by causing them to doubt their own
reality, and so becoming increasingly dependent on the abuser. The gaslighter
will manipulate their victim to the point of no return. Then they will be able
to act as they do and ensure their victim will be disarmed to say or do anything
against it, this is exactly what they want. It is a very dangerous form of
abuse and should be viewed as such. A healthy, loving relationship by
definition doesn’t include deceit, manipulation or lies. The effect of gaslighting is often very negative and
insidious, and can be carried through life for a long time. Victims can
mistrust others in the future and fear being treated in the same way. It is a
horrible form of abuse that is done gradually so the victims don’t notice the
extent of it. A good way to put it is thinking about a frog in cold water, as
the water is heated up it doesn’t jump out as it doesn’t realise the water is
getting hotter. Seeking help, such as with Hypnotherapy can help victims of
gaslighting to overcome its negative effects, for example managing and reducing
associated anxiety, regaining confidence and rebuilding trust in self and
others. Support can help victims to move on with their life after being targeted
by a gaslighter and can provide space to reconnect with feelings where they
have been invalidated in the past. Everyone should be able to live a life free of such
relationships and negative treatment. Gaslighting can occur in any situation – at work, in your
personal life, or at home. Recognising the existence of these behaviours in
abusers can help you identify when you or someone you know might be a victim of
gaslighting, and take positive steps to overcome this insidious type of abusive,
controlling behaviour. References ·
Abramson, K. (2014) ‘Turning up the lights on
gaslighting’, Philosophical Perspectives,
Vol. 28, p.p 1-30. ·
Gass, G and Nichols, W. (1988) ‘Gaslighting: A
Marital Syndrome’, Contemporary Family
Therapy, Vol. 10, p.p 3-16. ·
Preston, N. (2017) 7 Stages of Gaslighting
in a Relationship’ [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201704/7-stages-gaslighting-in-relationship
[Accessed 29 September 2017].
Sarkis, S (2017) ‘11 Signs of Gaslighting in a
Relationship’ [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship
[Accessed 29 September 2017]. |
Categories: Hypnotherapy
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